The "Lost Hours"

Connection.

I want that word to be part of the fabric of our family.  Connection to each other.  Connection to our community. Connection to our friends.  Connection to God.  I guess that's why I have been on a connection blogging kick this year!  A simple glance at that word would lead me to believe that we are perfect candidates to be a homeschooling family. Only problem with that is: we're not.  At the writing of this post we are a public school family with a deep desire to stay connected despite our time apart.  With tight fists we hold onto the truth that every parent is the first and most influential teacher their child has and therefore every parent is their child's teacher.  With open hands we evaluate year by year how best to accomplish the task of educating and shaping our children.  The precise how-to is an ongoing process of prayer, personal conviction and Spirit-led living.

For a family centric mom like me, sending my girls out the door 5 days a week can be very disheartening.  If I let myself, I can get caught up in the "lost hours" mentality. The mentality that convinces me that the only way to stay connected to my children is to be with them all the time.  Hands down, spending all day every day with your children is one way to live a life of connection.  However, I also believe that it is possible to spend time together with the ones you love most and still not be connecting on a regular basis.  Connection is a process that includes the mind, heart and emotions not simply physical proximity.  When I am tempted to dwell on the "lost hours" of school I remind myself that parenting is largely about being in my children's hearts. This parenting gig is one that is always progressing towards independence, the time where we will no longer be a part of our children's daily goings-on.  Living a life of connection has a great deal to do with sharing and spending time together, I'm all about that. But even more so, I believe connecting with my kids while we are apart can form a deeper, longer lasting connection.

• when time is limited and life feels stretched
• when selfishness rears it's ugly head
• when you feel bone tired
• when the "daily" of life seems too much

Make an effort to connect, to show your family they matter to you when you are together and when you're not. 

Here are some ideas that work to make that happen in our home.

1. Notes.  Notes in our house take on many forms.  Many days I may draw the girls close to me as they are getting ready for school and write a simple, "I love you" on their hands.  I include handwritten or computer printed lunchbox notes in their lunches.  I write in their mommy and me journals about something I did during my day and ask them to write about something that happened during their day.  Through the use of written language I desire to stay connected with my children and weave our separate days into a beautiful tapestry of our life.

2.  Words of encouragement and praise.  I've already written about the importance of words in families here but it is worth repeating.  I want the predominant voice my kids hear when they think of me to be a positive one. That requires a lot of work! Is my habitual correcting what they hear as my voice? Are the "hurry up" or "what now?" drowning out the language of my hearts desires? Or is it the tender words lovingly spoken. The quiet of our times alone debriefing our days.  Allowing God to refine me as a wife and mother specifically through my mouth is a big deal and one that requires daily submission to God.

3. Staying involved.  My girls absolutely love that I volunteer in their classrooms.  It brightens their day (not to mention their teachers day!) to know that I am making time to spend with them.  I can't think of a single teacher, school or daycare center that doesn't have some job or task in which a volunteer would be helpful.  This requires adjusting some aspects of my life to leave room but it is incredibly worth it.

4. Predetermined family time.  Letting our kids know that "Tonight is family night" or letting them know that we are going to do something special on Saturday builds anticipation.  Building anticipation is a sure way to make sure our children think about us.  The important thing about setting up these special outings or times together at home is that there is consistent follow through.  It is painful for a child to be looking forward to something only to have the plans change and promises broken.  Our girls thrive when they know they are going to have a special date with daddy on a specific night or that we are going to play a game as a family after dinner.  Eliminating the possibility of interruption is not always possible but rearranging our lives so that family time is a priority is essential.

5. Pray, pray, pray.  In the end our children are with us for such a short amount of time.  More than anything I want my kids to know that there is Someone who loves them a whole lot more than I do.  There is Someone who has the ability to meet their souls deepest need.  There is Someone who will never break promises or let them down.  There is Someone who will never leave them or forsake them.  I want them to know the freedom and peace of a growing relationship with God and I want to daily bring their names before His throne.  I can think of no greater way to connect to my children than to point them towards the ultimate connection.  The God who formed them and knit them together in my womb.  I want to connect with my Heavenly Father on their behalf and then just see what He will do.


Truthfully, no matter what our circumstances are, there will be lost hours.  We are only human and are incapable of connecting perfectly.  That is why it's my hearts desire to do what I am able and leave the rest to God.  There are no lost hours with God.

Prayer for today

I have been reading through the book Praying Circles Around Your Children by Mark Batterson.  I am joining Kathleen of Positive Adoption in an online book club as we read our way through the book.  I am enjoying the slow and purposeful approach to read just one chapter a week. It is a very short read and could be easily devoured in one sitting but the pause each week has given the messages and applications time to sink in.

As a peek into my prayer life here is my prayer for the girls today.

"Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I do not get involved with things too great or too difficult for me. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself like a little weaned child with its mother; I am like a little child.  Israel, put your hope in the Lord, both now and forever." Psalm 131

Father, may Lydia and Emma learn to calm and quiet themselves before You.  In a society that esteems busyness and productivity, I pray that they would stand counter cultural and learn to truly rest and trust in You.  You, Lord God, are true Hope.  In You alone, Lord God, can a person find rest.  I pray that as these precious girls learn to calm and quiet themselves before You, that You would nourish their souls.  That they would be fed and satisfied by You and You alone. Father, may they put their hope in You, both now and forever.  Amen.

I believe prayer is both a private discipline and a communal discipline.  Both the practice of private prayer and public prayer are invigorating to me.  There is great worth in the prayers I pray in silence to God alone as well as those that are shared.  I share this prayer as a means of encouragement and exhortation.  I believe the communal aspect of public prayer is a powerful thing and will never hesitate to share what and or how I am praying for my children.  Thanks for joining me in praying for my kids!

Here is another peek into how I have been praying for my girls.  I wrote descriptive words on pillow cases for each of them.  All the words on one side are words that are true of them today. Things I see in them, admire about them and want to encourage in them.  On the reverse side are the words I am praying for them as they grow.  Words that I would like to see them grow into and really own. 

My prayer list for Emma

That which is already evident in her.

My prayer list for Lydia

That which is already evident.

 As they lay their heads down at night, I want them to know that I pray for them. That I see them.  Even more so, I want them to learn to seek the One who knows them and created them for a purpose.  He knit them together in my womb and He has chosen them, set them apart and appointed them for His glory. (Jeremiah 1:5) 

Thanks for hearing (reading) my heart today! Blessings!

Connection through Big Picture Living

What kind of story am I living? 

What dreams am I pursuing? 

In what ways am I living beyond myself?  

Those are questions that I wrestle through.  I wrestle through them because I believe they hold valuable insight into who I am and who I am becoming. I also wrestle through them because each and every day I have little eyes watching me.  Minds and hearts that are being shaped by the life I am living in front of them.  Dreams and pursuits are forming that will hopefully outlive my own. Living a life of legacy and connection is not optional. It's happening whether I am aware of it or not.  The only thing that remains is deciding what legacy, what story I am living.

I have a dream that some day I can go to Africa. - Lydia

Lydia brought home these words written on a cloud a couple weeks ago.  Having traveled to Africa 4 times myself, I couldn't help but smile at her desire to follow in her mama's footsteps. Pursing a far off, crazy, life changing dream.  I would like nothing better than to travel the world with her someday and be part of her adventures.  I want to encourage her and Emma to dream, to live beyond themselves and to make a difference. I believe and want to teach them that our lives are part of a bigger story.  I deeply desire that my girls begin to find the story God wants them to live. A story that is meant for them and them alone. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, but man cannot discover the work God has done from beginning to end." (HCSB) Eternity has been put into man's heart.  If I really take time to consider that eternity is written on my children's hearts, then I need to nurture that.  I need to make room for life beyond just the here and now.  I must consider the possibility that God has plans for them that I cannot imagine or conceive of. And maybe, just maybe, that would be true for my own life.

 Big picture living is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Exciting because God has a great story, a great adventure for our family to live. Of course I know that there are parts of that story that will scare the pants right off of me.  Being a control freak, learning to trust God as sovereign in reality rather than just thought, is terribly difficult and produces uncertainty.  However, if I really want my family to grasp how wide, how long, how high and how deep God's love for us is, we must not be afraid to live big.  Pursue big. Dream big.

Our family is certainly still a work in progress.  Like all families we struggle to live a life that is outside of our own selfish wants and desires.  We constantly need to refocus on our purpose to live to the glory of God and to love others.  Self-centered living feels far more natural than self-less pursuits.  That said, here are a few ways our family is seeking God in trying to live out a big picture life.

We mutually support each others dreams. For 2 weeks this summer, instead of being with my husband and kids, I was in Kenya. I had the opportunity to share Christ and encourage leaders.  And while it was not easy for us to be apart from one another, there is no doubt that God had His hand in orchestrating this time.

We are crazy in love with and involved in our church.  It is our desire that our family interacts with the people of this community and that together with our local church we would be able to change the spiritual landscape of Fairmont WV. 

We desire to put our feet and our hands into action. The girls and I help prepare and serve meals at our local Union Mission.  Seeing them learning to serve those less fortunate and do so with joy and enthusiasm is priceless. Developing a heart to serve and care for others is of great importance. 

We encourage and serve one another. The first lessons in service should always come from learning to sever those you live with each day.  Sure, we can go the extra mile and help someone in need, but can we do simple tasks for our family members without complaint or grumbling?  What about the the things we do that will never receive public praise? Yep, those things count to.  Learning to serve our very own family members is a huge part of a story well lived.


There are so many dreams I dream for my family.  I want us to remain close and to have firm foundations in the love of God.  I want us to live life to the fullest and live beyond ourselves. Connecting through a mutual understanding that, "It's not about me, and it's not about now." (Max Lucado)

What dreams do you have for your family? How can you pursue big picture living as a family?

We are THAT Family never ceases to inspire me to live beyond myself. Check out this post which show 100 ways for your family to make a difference.

And if you need some personal encouragement as to why you should pursue your own dreams, check out what Stacey has to say about it.

Blessings!

Language of Connectivity: Developing a Positive Word Culture

"Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

If you want to know where I am most likely to blow it in my relationships with others, especially my family, it's with my words.  I certainly don't set out to be reckless with my words but it sure does happen.  As I continue to share what works for our family regarding staying connected I feel it important to share how my words and the words of everyone in our family factor into our ability to connect.

Words are incredibly powerful. The Bible is replete with warnings, commands and Godly principles surrounding our tongues. From our mouths come both blessings and curses (James 3:10). No one can tame the tongue (James 3:8). Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21). These verses along with many other are ones that I believe. I've studied and struggled with them but my conclusion is that my words have the ability to build up or tear down. Connection is about building up so if I am not aware of the impact my tongue has on my relationships then I am at risk for tearing down in one word what I have diligently been trying to build up.

For instance, say we are having a family night that starts out with dinner. (Make your own pizza night is always a good one!) We've made our pizza sat down to dinner then one of the girls spills their drink. And I lose it. I come down hard on her simply because of an accident. An accident I myself have done numerous times. The contradiction between the desire to connect and the atmosphere which is actually conducive to doing so are vast.  The gap between how I reacted and the desire of my heart were hindered by one thing: my mouth.  I know I am not alone in my struggle with words.  All of us have lost it at one time or another and it is bound to happen again at some point.  It is essential though, that we are aware that the way we communicate on a regular and recurring basis matters. If we want connected families we must work at having a language of connectivity. We must develop a positive word culture in our families.

Here are some practical tips on how to develop a more positive word culture in your family. 

1. Figure out your "go-to" catch phrase or attitude.  Most of us have one or two catch phrases or attitudes that we go to when we are at our fill. We've had enough, our nerves are shot and we are running on empty.  I've heard a number of people with that catch phrase, (speaking to child:) "You are driving me crazy!" or saying the similar "They are driving me crazy!" to a friend within ear shot of the children.  Take a minute to think about what this communicates to the child.  In this moment a child hears, "You are a problem. You are the problem. I don't want to be with you. I don't love you." That may seem like over kill but truly, that is what a kid can and does take away from reckless words like that.  

I have long been aware that I have lots of issues with words I have done my best to not have any catch phrase words. For the most part I don't speak those negative words. However, I employ the use of the all inclusive sigh. If I am not on top of it, this sigh communicates just as much as actually verbalizing the negative words. A sigh (eye roll, shoulder slump, etc) can communicate to a child that what you are doing now is more important than they are. That you don't enjoy them or that, once again, you don't love them.  Becoming aware of what attitudes and words you use on a recurring basis and the way it registers with your child is the first step to developing a positive word culture.

2. Stop short and turn away from using that catch phrase or attitude.  This is NOT an easy step. It requires diligence, practice, self-control and divine help. Also important to note, you WILL FAIL from time to time.  While Christ has given us the power to walk in victory, we don't always tap into that victory and we suffer defeat.  It is in the midst of defeat however that we can learn to trust and depend more fully on the Holy Spirit.  Seeing our own weaknesses and incapability is a powerful motivation to cling to the cross of Christ even more.  Preach the gospel to yourself daily and participate with the Holy Spirit to experience lasting change. I've had the opportunity to follow two separate friends as they journeyed to do just this as they fasted negative talk.  Their awareness of the trap and their diligence to change was certainly an eye-opening experience for them and for me. Both would testify to the difficulty in breaking the habit but would say that God came through for them in their weakness. (Thanks Lorrie and Kathleen for blogging and sharing your experience!) This is a journey I am on perpetually and believe it is changing the legacy of my family.

3. Replace the negative with the positive.  Becoming aware and understanding what our words do to those we love is a huge step. Learning to stop those words and behaviors is also a big deal. However if we stop there we are stopping short of actually changing the word culture of our family.  Taking away a negative behavior still leaves a gap. That gap must be refilled with a positive action.  Empty space is easily filled with other equally destructive habits so replace that bad with the good.  

Have you ever seen the "Eat This, Not That" recipe books? The idea is that if you make small conscious choices to replace certain foods with other foods you will be healthier.  I believe we could all learn to apply this to our communication and words.  

If you're tempted to yell....sing or whisper instead. (I know my kids think I am nuts when I start singing!)

If you want to tell your children they are driving you crazy....take a few minutes to regain control of yourself. After all, YOU are the adult. Own your feelings rather than blame your children.

If you are ready to give "the sigh"....replace it with immediate, decisive and pleasant action. Don't give enough of a pause, respond appropriately.

And for those instances when you blow it, make it right.  Humbly apologize. Own rather than excuse your hurtful words and do what you can to make amends.  All of our families would be better off with more "I'm sorry"s and fewer excuses.

Developing a positive word culture is an extremely important part of connectivity.  Work towards the goal of adopting more positive forms of communication and then pass that on to the rest of your family as well. And remember, we are in this thing together. I do not write from a place of perfection, just a place of process.  I am just sharing my process with you.  Blessings!

Celebrating Accomplishments

A few years ago my mom gave me a wonderful gift though she didn't know it at that time.  She gave me a gift of connection to my past.  In her efforts to get rid of excess in her house she brought me several boxes of miscellaneous nick-knacks, pictures and cards/letters.  Among notes I had passed in 5th grade (I kid you not!) and high school award plaques I found the connection. Letters, cards and notes from my mom. Memories that had faded came rushing back. Congratulations for doing well in a try-out. Encouragement to keep trying my best.  "Way-to-go" for a first chair seat or solo.  At the time I first received the cards I am not sure I understood just how much they meant. Through my adult & mother eyes, they looked completely different.

The cards and notes my mom gave me were an avenue of connection.  A way that she showed me she loved me, cared for me and saw me.  Nothing I did, nothing I was becoming went unnoticed.  She celebrated my accomplishments and my victories. Beyond that though, she celebrated the young woman I was becoming, the woman God was shaping and molding me to be.  Even as I write this I am overcome with gratitude for her love, support and inspiration.  The legacy she placed in me and continues to pass on is a legacy of connection, of pursuit. I deeply desire that for my children as well.

Being a mom of young children often makes me laugh and shake my head at the same time.  Lessons taught over and over again.  Books, activities and games played countless times.  I regularly have to remind myself that right now I am laying the foundation for the future and it's going to be awhile before I see all the benefits and rewards of that labor.  However much or little I am seeing right now does not excuse me from doing the work of staying connected, of staying present in their lives.  That's why I am writing about connection, to remind myself that the effort, time and sacrifice are worth it.  Connection is not automatic but it is necessary.  I want to continue to pursue my kids and God's best for them.

Practically speaking, I learned from those letters and cards the importance of celebrating accomplishments. The old school "this paper deserves to be placed on the refrigerator" approach works for our family.  When the kids come home with a great paper they have written, a high grade on a test or a cool art project we celebrate that.  I encourage them to keep at it and allow them to explain how it feels when they do good work.  We don't encourage flattery and don't want to over praise our kids.  We expect they will do work hard and do their best. At the same time we will not hesitate to tell them we are proud and celebrate their accomplishments. 

Celebrating accomplishment, no matter how big or small, is something that keeps us connected as a family.  We don't do it simply because it builds self-esteem and makes them feel good, though it does.  We celebrate because we worship and serve a God who encourages celebration.  Throughout the Bible there are numerous accounts where God's people are reminded to celebrate, to enjoy one another. They celebrate as a reminder of what God has done and who He is. They celebrate as a way to draw closer to one another and to God. In our family, we want celebration to do much the same, draw us closer to each other and to God.  Celebration as connection works for us.  Blessings!

Shared Responsibility

Excitement and laundry are not two words I would ever pair together.  Lydia on the other hand was thrilled to learn such a grown-up task.  This past summer I went to Kenya for two weeks.  Knowing that Justin was going to be doing all the household duties I taught Lydia a few more difficult chores. In addition to her normal chores she learned how to sort, wash and fold the laundry.  She loved every minute of it! It was fun to see her excitement about serving her family and it was fun to connect with her during this time.

Through this series I have been sharing ways that our family stays connected throughout our busy lives and schedules.  A lot of the things we do could be considered "extra" if you don't already do them or if you tried to add all of them at the same time.  As parents though, when looking for ways to practically pursue the hearts of our children let us not forget the importance of connection through shared responsibility.  Preparing meals, doing laundry, going shopping, vacuuming and cleaning, these are all parts of our life where we have real responsibility.  What would happen if we could harness the time spent on these normal activities and build relationships at the same time?

Building relationship through shoulder to shoulder activity is a natural way to connect to our family members while still accomplishing things that need to be done. Shoulder to shoulder activities are not only great to develop relationships with our children they are great for building relationships with our spouse and our friends. Think about the best relationships you have in your life.  I am sure that those relationships have lots of great face to face time. Times when you forget about what else is going on and just spend time with one another.  I would also guess that your best relationships include lots of shoulder to shoulder time as well.  Thinking through how you can increase both of these activities (shoulder to shoulder and face to face) in your relationships with your family members will help you stay connected.  It might also help you get more done!

It works for our family to build connections through doing chores together and being able to depend on each other to help out or cover for us when we are unable to accomplish something.  Developing a sense of personal responsibility, a strong work ethic and interdependence will hopefully have long lasting effects on our family.  Connection is possible with our kids and families. It requires effort, hard word and loads of grace & instruction from our heavenly Father.  There's nothing like it though. Nothing. Blessings!

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If you have any feelings of guilt when it comes to giving your kids chores check out this post from my friend Lorrie about why chores and household responsibilities are not a means of ruin for our kids but a means of teaching and training.

If you are struggling to make connections on a regular basis or if your child suffers with attachment disorders please check out my blogging friend Kathleen's blog.  She regularly speaks to issues concerning difficult connection.  I was touched by her story in this Wisdom for Wednesday post.

Family Dinner

Eating.  

Food. 

Sustenance.

It's a necessary part of our daily lives.  Without regularly feeding our bodies we lack the energy and nutrition necessary to support our physical bodies. But just like our bodies need food, to be healthy our families need times of connection.  Times when we can learn to support, encourage and enjoy one another.  Family dinner provides a great opportunity for these things to occur.

Family meals were an integral part of my childhood and teenage years.  Despite busy or hectic schedules there was no doubt shared family meals were important to my parents.  Apparently this was passed on to me.  For our family it is a simple point of connection that we have everyday.  We make family meals a priority and an enjoyable experience.  There are so many things that can pull our minds, hearts and schedules away from this basic practice, but considering the benefits, it has proven to be worth whatever effort it takes to make it work for our family.

Here are a few ways we make family meals work for us:

1. Include all family members in the planning and preparing of meals.

"Ewww, yuck" may just be some of the most rude, disrespectful and disheartening words when you've spent time planning and preparing a meal.  It's kinda hard to enjoy a "nice family meal" when the room is filled with complaints, frustration and bickering over what's on everyone's plates. Including everyone in the planning and preparing of the meals just may be a ticket to overcoming that form of nasty.  Now that the girls are older I am beginning to include them even more in the planning, preparing and cooking of our meals.  Allowing everyone to have a voice on either the main dish or sides for at least one of the meals helps make everyone feel that they have a say in this area of their life.  It may not completely eliminate the difficulty that arises when a family has picky eaters, but it just might foster a better environment for enjoying the meal together.

2. Include conversation starters or other fun ways to get family members talking.

Being a very loquacious person, I am rarely at a loss for words, stories or information that I want to share.  However, in order to actually listen to my family and get them to share more than one word answers to the "How was your day?" question, I often resort to conversation starters. We have gone through these 99 family conversation starters and moved onto this huge list of conversation starters (which should last us for awhile).  We've also done the "high's and low's" on occasion, as well as just talking for the sake of talking.  Conversation during a meal helps to ensure we are not just rushing through our dinner but rather taking time to relish in the relationships that are developing therein.  

3. Eliminate outside distractions.

Phones, computers, TV....whatever else it may be, trying to eliminate these distractions is of high importance for family meals to provide the greatest reward.  Electronics are not yet a big deal for our girls but we, as parents, are setting the example now that relationships and conversations with real live people are most important.  Sometimes our girls need to be reminded of this when they happen to be caught up in a good book and are called to dinner.  Eliminating distractions helps everyone focus on what is most important, people.  

Family dinner may seem an impossible or idealistic dream for many but it is one of the ways this mama stays connected to her family.   Your family will certainly look different than ours and this idea may or may not work for you on a consistent basis.  However, consider if this simple practice just may give you insight into one another in a new way.  For more food for thought check out the book The Hour That Matters Most by Les and Leslie Parrott.  I read it this fall and it solidified much of my reasoning behind why family meals matter to me.  

Blessings!

Countless studies have show that if parents could take only one proactive and practical step to engender family commitment, appreciation, affection, positive communication, time together and all the rest, it would be to establish a regular dinnertime around a common table without distractions. One hour a few times a week.  That's it. ~ The Hour That Matters Most by Les and Leslie Parrott

 As a bonus for the family meal lover that I  am, I plan on making my dinning room table like this in 2013.  Love it!

Diamonds

Your children are like diamonds - hug them, kiss them, pursue their hearts today.

I saw this picture and read these words posted on facebook today by Courtney of Women Living Well.  How clearly they ring true of my hearts desire and how much I want them to be evident in my life. 

The past 5 months have been a huge transition in my life as a mother.  I am a stay at home mom with no kids at home.  For 7 years I shared every aspect of my life with my girls.  We ate together, played together, ran errands together, read together and even went to the bathroom together (when they were especially young!).  Now that they are in school, now that 2 very large parts of my heart are walking around outside of my body, I am having to relearn how to pursue their hearts, how to stay connected to them.

I regularly pray for God's guidance in how to minister to my family in the short time we spend together.  Some of the ideas I will share I've gleaned from others, some are ideas that just seemed to come from a place of gentle communication from God.  The most important thing I have found though, is that no two families will find diamonds in exactly the same way and no two children will respond to the same cookie cutter approach.   As with the whole of life, we are to be led by the Spirit.  We are to walk faithfully and communicate regularly with a God who cares about us as individuals and who loves our families even more than we do.  When I follow where He is leading I can be sure He knows where He is going.

I will post several different ideas and encouragements over the next few weeks and hope that you will be encouraged by something that you read.  If you would like to share about something that you have found helpful to keep you connected to your children I would love for you to comment.  It's wonderful to share ideas with others who desire to intentionally pursue the best for their families.

Blessings!